pixeldust

Life now

2006-09-18T08:16:00.000+12:00

I had a life once, much different than this one. I stayed up late, I took risks, I danced and drank and forgot my worries until the next day, I’d do it all again. I had a different life once, where 4am service station pies were normal, and the friends I had would be there forever. I had a life, so long ago, where I took all the blame.

I had a life once, much different than this one. I slept in on Sunday mornings, if I’d gotten to bed at all. Hangover, waking up at midday, falling back to sleep with no worries and no responsibilities. Spending my day in the park, guitars and red wine, waiting for the weekend to roll around to do it all again.

I had a life once, much different than this one. I spent my week working for spending money, turning up late, making cups of coffee, going home. It was different then, I supported only myself, I could have quit at any time, I could have stopped caring. My life was different then.

I have a life now, much different than that one. I wake up early, I play it safe, I dance to the Wiggles and worry constantly, I’d do it all again. I have a different life now, where 4am bottle feeds are normal, and the friends I once had are there no more. I have a life now, where I blame everyone else.

I have a life now, much different than that one. I wake up on Sunday mornings, if I’ve gotten to bed at all. Dehydrated, waking up at 6am, wanting to fall back to sleep. All worry, all responsibility. Spending my day in the park, feeding ducks and pushing swings, waiting for the weekend to roll around to do it all again.

I have a life now, much different than that one. I spend my week working to pay the bills, turning up on time, making cups of tea, going home. It is different now, I support my child, I can’t quit if I wanted to, I can’t stop caring. My life is different now.

It’s different, this life now.

Fun with nappies

2006-05-08T11:07:00.000+12:00

That's his "Oh, come on.. what the hell are you doing to me?" face.

Why Carl can't be trusted to be left alone with Mason and a camera

2006-04-19T12:08:00.000+12:00

8 weeks old tomorrow

2006-04-19T10:01:00.000+12:00

It's been a while since I've blogged, but believe it or not, not that much has happened. Mason is growing up, no longer considered a newborn, and no longer in newborn nappies. He smiles most of the time now, which is a relief, it seems to indicate he doesn't seem to be traumatised by my awful parenting skills.

He's started cooing and gooing. His favourite words are "Guh!" and "Oooooooh". He's so freaking adorable, I sometimes wonder how we made something so cute.

It gets lonely sometimes here during the day. Of course I have my mother to turn to, but it's not quite the same. My cousin Hannah (who had baby Ashton a week before Mason) is away with her hubbie for work, which sucks. The lady next door just had a baby, but I don't know her really yet. I find myself turning to Dr Phil, and that scares me.

Devil child has woken, which ends my blogging here. I promise to update again sometime soon (i.e. before he goes to school)

Where the f****** hell are you?

2006-03-31T16:32:00.000+12:00

On the backs of Australia Tourism's "Where the bloody hell are you?" campaign, banned in Canada and under serious pressure to do the same in the UK, I bring you a video of some alternative suggestions.

Funny shit.

You know you love him....

2006-03-28T12:47:00.000+12:00

... when you're shoving one of these up his nose and suctioning out his nasal mucus while apologising to him profusely.

4 weeks old tomorrow

2006-03-22T11:08:00.000+12:00

Time sure is flying. I was lying in bed at about 5am looking over at Mason lying in his bassinet, and I caught myself lamenting that he's growing up so fast. As much as I can't wait for him to start smiling (and not just from gas), crawling, sleeping longer than 3 hours at a time and in general being an independent little human being - I also want to make the most of him being tiny and newborn and innocent to everything. I don't want his hands to get bigger, I want them to stay tiny and delicate. And his toes. And his little button nose.

I guess it's part of what being a mother is all about - being conflicted like this.

Cutie cutie

2006-03-11T22:53:00.000+13:00

How did we manage to create something so damned cute??

Poop machine

2006-03-07T09:16:00.000+13:00

What appears 12 times a day, smells like popcorn, and is a funny shade of yellowey-green? How can something so small, cute and innocent produce such things? Why are nappies so expensive?

Devil child is sleeping peacefully at the moment, giving his mother a much needed break to herself, on her first day home alone. Carl returned to work today for the first time since he was born, so it's a big adjustment and it's only been a few hours so far. I'm somewhat worried how I'll handle things. Who is going to bring me glasses of water when I'm attached to him and can't move off the couch? What if I can't reach the remote and the TV ends up on Simply Quilts (daily on the Living Channel)? Is it OK to leave him lying on the couch crying when I need to pee? I need my mummy.

Oh, and he's put on 200 grams since the mifwife last weighed him - which means that my boobs aren't producing faulty milk like I thought they were. He pee's as much as he poos too, and his aim is getting better - he got Carl 3 times yesterday, once right down the front of his jeans. Good boy, Mason.

Mason, week 1

2006-03-01T12:00:00.000+13:00

I'm so in love. Mason Louis Ayala, born 12:15am 23/2/06, 8lb 9 oz, apgar 10/10, 10 fingers, 10 toes, 1 penis (as ordered).

I've hardly slept for the last week, my boobs ache, I'm nothing but a milk machine, but I couldn't care less - he's the most special creature in the world and I can't imagine life without him already.

Lights, camera.. action! (AKA - I've run out of womb)

2006-02-22T05:01:00.000+13:00

Woohoo, waters broke about 4:30, contractions 3 min apart lasting 60 seconds.. think this might be the real thing.

I'm pleased to note that I didn't ruin our mattress.

CJ, week 39 - AKA "Get this freaking thing OUT OF ME"

2006-02-18T14:20:00.000+13:00

I exaggerate somewhat. I'm not THAT ready to have him out, but I'm just so bored of this whole thing. I'm bored of having to waddle instead of walk. I'm bored of having to alternate sides every hour during the night. I'm bored with the continual itching and the fact that I have no clothes that fit me.

Things were starting to get better thanks to swimming every day or so in the pool at my grandmothers retirement village (residents are allowed to have guests in), and I was starting to feel like I was getting somewhere, building up strength in preparation for having this baby. But alas, it was not to be any longer, thanks to "2 delegations" of old ladies who took it upon themselves to complain that me and Hannah (my cousin who was also pregnant, more on that later) were "flaunting" our bodies, and they thought it inappropriate and offensive. So I've been banned from using the facilities. I don't see what could be considered so bad about a bikini top with a full length singlet over it, and boyleg swim shorts, but something obviously didn't sit right with them. Apparently I should - in the middle of summer - stay dressed in a tent which hides my pregnancy and not go anywhere near the water for relief.

Enough about that. Nothing can be done.

So, Hannah had her baby on Thursday, little Ashton Finn was born weighing an enormous 10 lb 3! Hannah ended up being 8 days overdue, so they induced her on Wednesday evening. I haven't heard too much about it other than that it was very difficult on her, and she's recovering in hospital. Hopefully they'll be transferred out here today or tomorrow and we'll be able to visit when they're up for it. I can't fathom how big that baby is. Fingers crossed that CJ remains a reasonable size, and no larger.

Anyway, here's 39 weeks, and hopefully the last photo before I have him. If I post a 42 week pic I'm sure to be very, VERY angry.

CJ, week 38

2006-02-12T15:59:00.000+13:00

OK, we're getting there. I'm still terrified that this thing is going to be coming out (one way or another) in the next 4 weeks. But we pulled ourselves together enough to put the baby room together and finish painting the chest of drawers. I've got my hospital bag together and my birth plan written, some baby clothes washed for when he gets here. We have nappies and baby shampoo. I don't think we've forgotten anything. Oh dear god, what have I done?

Funniest. Spoof. Ever.

2006-02-04T15:20:00.000+13:00

Thanks CCZ, I laughed my arse off.

Brokeback... To the Future

In other news, Carl proposed to me last night. Of course I said yes, stupid.

CJ, week 36

2006-01-28T13:49:00.000+13:00

OK, the novelty has worn off. It's not funny anymore. Get this thing out of me.

so...

2006-01-16T19:20:00.000+13:00

... I've been slack at updating this thing, but I was thinking people were probably getting sick of hearing me whinging. Nothing to say, just an expanding belly photo:

5 and a half weeks until D-Day. Ohmygod.

A Drama in 3 Parts

2005-12-19T17:46:00.000+13:00

**********************************
PART I - The Belly Monster
**********************************

The days are flying past now, the last few weeks have been nothing but a blur of Braxton Hicks, restless nights and infuriating conversation.

The thing is, I am no longer a person. I am a belly with a human attached to it.. and the only conversations I seem to have these days revolve around my impending motherhood. At first, I took it as being confirmation of the fact that there is this huge life changing thing happening, but it's increasingly frustrating when no one seems to want to talk about anything else. I wonder if it's simply because I am nothing more than a belly? Or is it just that other people are overwhelmed with my bellyness? Or that they think that it's all that I WANT to talk about?

Please don't think that I'm the one who is encouraging this, as I try to steer the conversation away from it as much as possible. Funny how an innocent conversation about time sheets or something else equally dull and work related can be turned into a discussion on mucus plugs within 30 seconds.

It all came to a head when my work christmas function was held on Friday night. As if it wasn't bad enough being unable to get completely pissed and dance on tables with my skirt hitched up around my waist (not that I'd do that sort of thing normally, mind you), the only conversations I entered into seemed to be based on The Belly. It got to a point where I was actively avoiding my workmates, because I was so sick of the questions.

"When are you due again?"/"How long to go now?"
"Do you know what you're having?"
"I bet you're really uncomfortable in this heat!"
"Wow, are you sure you aren't having twins?"

...and my personal favourite, from an old team leader of mine

"Just remember, when you push that thing out your fanny in a couple of months time, you'll feel like a size 6!"

Gee, thanks. I'll still look 5 months pregnant, but at least for a few hours I'll feel thin. Something to look forward to.

So, I left after about an hour. I didn't even bother waiting around for dinner. It was difficult extracting myself from the place, since everyone thought I was upset (which I was, a little) and that all I needed was a bit of baby talk to put me back in the mood. Thanks, but no thanks - I got a taxi and the hell out of there as fast as I could.

I know it isn't going to get much better. Once this baby is out of me, I'll cease being the incubator, and my only conversations will be around the best diapers to use, whether breast IS best, and how far I can squirt from my left nipple. I'm not sure whether it'll be better or worse, but I suppose at least there'll be a little guy to share my pain.

*********************************************
PART II - The Generosity of Strangers
*********************************************

OK, so this one might seem sillier, but I'm sick of people being so generous. Is it completely bad of me to feel like rejecting these offers of things for the baby? I know I complain that I don't have enough money to buy the things I really want, but why does this seem to be taken by others as meaning that I'll settle for the crappiest of crappy hand me downs? I'm not even talking stuff that was used briefly and is just taking up space in someones cupboard - I mean
the items that even the local op shop would reject on the grounds of quality.

It's awful. I feel bad for hating it so much, but with each thing that gets handed to me, and each offer of an item (circa 1985) from another one of my Mothers Friends, who used it on Baby #1 (now aged 19 and working in a stripclub), I feel like screaming a little bit more.

Being neurotic is probably just a part of being pregnant. Well, at least I hope so - I'm sick of feeling guilty for hating this stuff.

**************************************************
PART III - It Was Beauty did Kill the Beast
**************************************************

We went and saw King Kong on Saturday at the Embassy. I must say, it's a lot nicer than it was when I saw the 2nd LOTR there (and this is saying something, because it was an impressive theatre even then). The seats were comfortable, the sound brilliant, the snacks completely overpriced. The movie itself was a lot more enjoyable than I thought it would be, and I'm pleased to say that though I was prepared to put my teariness down to hormones, it turns out Carl got a little choked up too, so it wasn't just me.

Things I wasn't so fond of:

1. The constant camera action during the fight (T-Rex vs Kong) and chase (Dino's vs Explorers) scenes. It was so bad at one point, and impossible to focus on any part of the screen that I simply gave up and looked at my feet instead.

2. The vertigo I got at the end. I feel slightly nauseous during the ESB scenes. I suppose that's possibly a good thing?

3. The big damned dirty ape died :(

4. No Charlton Heston cameo

5. Clap happy theatregoears applauding at the end. Admittedly, this doesn't bug everyone, but it bugs the hell outta me

CJ, week 27

2005-11-27T12:09:00.000+13:00

It's strange to think that we've been back from holiday a whole month already. I wish it weren't true, but it is. I also can't believe I'm 27 weeks pregnant. Just look at this freaking belly attached to me (click for bigger if you think you can handle it):

We made a concerted effort to change some things around here when we came back, and I'm pleased to say that we now have our own place - the cutest little 3 bedroom apartment near the beach. We even have a baby room, though it's somewhat empty except for the boxes of baby shower gifts and clothes that we were both given and purchased ourselves when we were in Florida, and a bassinet which we have borrowed from Aunt Cindy that we can use for the first few months. I really want to have that room ready, with a cot etc, but after moving into our own place, the money situation is somewhat bad. We had to use the baby money from the shower to get us into the place - as we both felt it most important that we have somewhere to actually put the baby stuff. The money will be going back when Carl's writing contract comes through soon - and then we can go spend, spend, spend! I'm dying to start nesting.

Another interesting thing has happened since we came back - and in fact it only occured yesterday. I saw my father for the first time in over 5 years. This was a big thing for me, as I've kept him out of my life for so long, and didn't even invite him to my wedding. I feel bad now that I have seen him, and realise how much he (and my step mother) love me, and always have. I guess I needed to grow up a little to appreciate that side of my family and see past all of the negative things my mother has always said about him and his brood. We had a lot to catch up on, and still do - they've invited me and Carl over for Christmas Day, and I intend to be there, and see them before then too. Family are so important now, I want this baby to be surrounded by as much love as possible - and I could see in my fathers eyes that he wants to be a part of this babys life. I could never deny him of the chance to know his grandson. He'll be an awesome grandfather, I know it.

Anyway, I've finally gotten my A into G and resized some of the baby shower photos. Here, I present them in all their glory:

CJ, week 23

2005-11-02T19:38:00.000+13:00

I feel fat. None of my clothes fit me. My back hurts. I ate too much while I was in the USA, and now there is a giant beast growing in my uterus craving Wendy's and Dr Pepper.

Mmmm... Dr Pepper. Damn you, America!

Wilma, CJ and New York, New York

2005-10-24T04:50:00.000+13:00

Greetings from sunny Florida! I realised it had been a while since my last blog post, and that I should probably post BEFORE Hurricane Wilma hits us and tears everything to pieces.

We've been in the US since the 8th (time sure has flown) and will be here another few days before we trek back to LA for a day and then back to New Zealand. So far it's been a little more underwhelming than I expected - I suppose it's all of that American programming on TV back home that makes things feel so familiar. Funnily, I'm already not hearing peoples accents, which is quite strange.

We arrived in LA after an exhausting flight - made worse by the fact that Qantas screwed up royally with a 2 hour delay on our Wellington > Auckland flight, which in turn made us miss our flight out to LA. After finally making it to Auckland, we were shuffled onto an Air New Zealand flight. Let me explain here why I HATE Air New Zealand:

1) The trolley-dollies think that they are Gods gift to passengers, and any energy they expend on the people paying $2000 to sit there is energy they could better spend on reading the latest trash mag or bitching about the captain. Ask for a cup of water and they will likely look at you like you just asked them to hijack the plane.

2) Smaller seats, less leg room than practically every first world airline on earth.

3) No TV's in the back of the seats. In fact, there is one projector screen for an entire section of passengers. And you need to be over 6 feet tall to see it. And you don't have any choice in what screens. This is the only reason I can now say that I have seen Bewitched.

4) The meals are crappy

5) I just don't like them

So, needless to say, I was not too thrilled about being lumped on this flight with the other poor souls unlucky enough to also be on the late connecting flight. My heart goes out to the couple we met standing in the rain outside the Qantas terminal in Auckland while waiting for the bus to the international terminal - they had paid for Business Class seats on the Qantas flight, and got put in cattle class on the Air NZ flight. This makes me feel a little better - it could have been worse.

The flight itself was uncomfortable but OK, we got to LA, we made it to the hotel. We went to Leo's for mexican food. The child in my belly had a fiesta. Back to the hotel, we tried to stay awake. We failed. We watched CNN. We ordered room service. We slept some more.

We met catwoman/prettycat/robynne the next day and went to Laguna Beach for chowder. I'm afraid we weren't much fun. We met Chris_ later that day for Greek food. I'm fairly sure we did OK and weren't too weird. They're both lovely, and if you have the chance to meet them, you should do so!

We flew out to Orlando the next day on Song - who I would prefer over Air NZ any day. It didn't even feel like a 5 hour flight, and was quite enjoyable. I admit I was rather nervous the whole time thought - meeting Carls parents, especially being knocked up and all. But it wasn't too bad - his mother Carol was there to meet us at the airport and my fears were unfounded. His whole family are lovely and they did so much to make me feel welcome! I truly feel like a part of this family already, and I can't wait to provide them with a grandson.

We spent 4 nights in New York last week, and stayed with Carls friends Dave and Christie. Again, I felt so welcome - Christie is the sweetest girl I've ever met, and it was a real shame that we couldn't stay longer. We didn't do too much of the touristy stuff, but we did make it to F.A.O Swartz to buy CJ a teddy bear :) A short stroll in Central Park, another short stroll in Times Square. It won't be the last time we're in New York, so I didn't feel pressured to do everything at once. It was nice just to spend time with D&C.

So, we're back in Florida now, and I'm watching The Weather Channel, waiting to see what Wilma does. I'm not too worried, it doesn't look like it'll be too bad here when it hits, and they're considering not boarding up the windows. At the worst, we might lose power for a while. I hope so, anyway. It'll be interesting to see what happens. I should call my family just in case they're worried. Maybe later.

Finally, CJ is doing well. He's kicking properly now, especially right after I eat and as I'm trying to go to sleep. I can't believe he's 22 weeks already! 18 more weeks and we'll have a baby. Oh, boy. He's somewhere between 10 and 12 inches long, and all he needs to do is keep growing and putting on fat - and did you know, that he would be considered viable if he were born in 2 weeks time? It's hard to believe.

That's enough from me, there hasn't been much else to report, but if I think of anything, I'll be sure to try to post it.

CJ, week 19

2005-10-03T17:42:00.000+13:00

19 weeks and 1 day, approx 146 days left to go.

We went to have another ultrasound today, since we're almost at the half way mark. Baby CJ has two arms, two legs, a head, a heart, a bladder and a penis. All the correct parts for a baby, or so I hear. It is absolutely, undeniably a boy, and as far as I can tell, Carl is thrilled. Though I'm sure he would have been regardless of whether it turned out to be a boy or girl.

It's odd now after seeing this baby, every little niggle and tickle takes on a new meaning. It's no longer just something which apparently is happening to me, It's become something that IS happening to me. It's odd how real it is now, especially after 19 weeks, and knowing for 13 of those.

21 weeks to go.

CJ, week 18

2005-09-27T11:28:00.000+12:00

I got my first "are you expecting?" the other day.. and I'm finally coming to terms with this whole thing. Well, that and the fact that the little bugger keeps kicking me constantly. I think s/he must have found their arms and legs, and it seems to be fairly constant.

My pants definitely no longer fit. I can't do up any of them anymore, the only way I have anything at all to wear to work is by keeping them unbuttoned and making sure I have a long top that will hide my shame.

I just realised that I never blog about anything other than this freaking pregnancy anymore. Perhaps that's a sign that I don't have a life and I never really did?

P.S - Less than 2 weeks until Florida! Woohoo! If anyone reads this and wants to chat about maybe having a catch up, email me. We're in LA for 2 days, then Florida for a few weeks with a couple of days in New York.

CJ, week 16

2005-09-12T16:37:00.000+12:00

I think I got my first kicks today. It actually felt more like someone was tickling me from the inside, rather than a kick exactly. Hell, who am I kidding.. it was probably gas. Anyway, I'm only 16 weeks, so I'm not expecting to feel anything really for another few weeks.

I can't believe its less than a month until we go to the US. I'm terribly excited :) More on that closer to the time.

On a completely different note, here's a joke, courtesy of someone who sent it to me.

At his meeting with Queen Elizabeth last night, George W. Bush turned to
the Queen and said: "As I'm the President, I'm thinking of changing how
my great country is referred to, and I'm thinking that it should be a
Kingdom." The Queen replied "I'm sorry Mr Bush, but to be a Kingdom, you
have to have a King in charge - and you're not a King."

George Bush thought a while and then said: "How about a Principality
then?" To which the Queen replied "Again, to be a Principality you have
to be a Prince - and you're not a Prince, Mr Bush."

George thought long and hard and came up with "How about an Empire
then?" The Queen, getting a little annoyed by now, replied "Sorry again,
Mr Bush, but to be an Empire you must have an Emperor in charge - and
you are not an Emperor."

Before George W could utter another word, The Queen said: "I think
you're doing quite nicely as a Country."

CJ, week 15

2005-09-03T11:38:00.000+12:00

Is is just me, or does it look like I've eaten a few too many pies lately? There goes my waist.. there go my size 10 pants. Goodbye, flat tummy.. hello, impending motherhood. Carl thinks its pretty... I'm just wondering when I'm going to start looking PROPER pregnant instead of chunky.

CJ, week 12

2005-08-17T17:20:00.000+12:00

All seems to be well in baby land - I've passed the 12 week mark which is a great relief, and got to hear the baby's heartbeat when I was at my midwife appointment last Friday.

I now have a belly, too. Well, I still just look like I've let myself go, but its definitely changing.

My early prediction is a boy. Mainly because I want a girl, but also because CJ had a slower heart rate, which is normally (apparently) indicative of boys. I'll be surprised if it's a girl. I guess we'll find out in 7 weeks time!

Tickets are all booked to fly to the US in early October. Hopefully they'll let me in even though I'll be big by then. Fingers crossed.

Too tired to type more, thats all.

introducing CJ

2005-08-11T16:52:00.000+12:00

A few weeks ago.. this is what the bean looked like. He/she is obviously a bit bigger now, 2.5 inches I think.

My pants don't fit me anymore.

long time no blog

2005-08-05T17:37:00.000+12:00

Due to undewhelming demand, I blog again. This time, I have news. Small news. That is - small in size, not in impact, unless you tend to underreact to everything. Anyway, as you probably already know, I'm pregnant.

What, you didn't know?

Ok, well I am. 10 weeks, 5 days in, to be exact, and due approx 26th February 2006. It was a little unexpected, but very welcome, and I couldn't be happier to be carrying Spawn-of-the-Carlos. The last few weeks have been a blur of anxiety and stress, nightmares, moments of intense happiness, strange pains and feelings, and an increasing desire to eat gherkins. I'm adjusting to the fact that in less than 7 months time, if all goes well, I'll be a mother.

I had a scan a few weeks ago, when I was 7 and a bit weeks, and I got some images back which I'll try to post (if I can get a decent photo of them). The baby didn't look like much, just a small peanut shaped blob with a 148bpm heartbeat (which apparently indicates that it will be a boy). I asked my midwife about a scan at 12 weeks, when baby is supposed to be out of the greatest danger, but she seemed to think there was no point, so I may have to wait until 20 weeks before I can see him/her/it again.

I'll get those photos up sometime, if anyone cares to see them :)

panties pnaties

2005-06-23T19:54:00.000+12:00

In my opinion, and granted, my opinion means diddly squat at the best of times, the most disgusting word in the history of the English language has to be panties. The subject may be attractive, but the word stirs up the most vile images in my mind, of lecherous sweaty 70 year old men fondling the lacy undergarments of naive girls.

Now manties, on the other hand, "for those nights and days, when you want to be and feel a little special, naughty and very sexy". Manties don't bother me. Underwear doesn't phase me. I can deal with g-strings, briefs and boxers. But panties, no. Never.

"Panties" seem to have their uses. Hell, you can make your thoughts against GW Bush heard by joining the Axis Of Eve, and buying some Protest Panties. Undergarments have done good things for us. But the word has to go.

Join with me in my quest to rid the world of this revolting expression. Stand up and make yourself heard.

Down to panties.

eBay Amusements

2005-06-14T17:15:00.000+12:00

From the Who Would Buy That? archives

Amusement park, complete with rollercoaster
Designer toilet
Princess Leia Sock Monkey

... and my personal favourite.. the Whore Box

me, myself and irony

2005-06-12T16:21:00.000+12:00

We went minigolfing today, and I got beat by not one, not two, but 6 other people. Out of 7 of us. And if that weren't embarassing enough, 5 of them were under the age of 14. But hey, it's just a game, nothing to take too seriously, right? I couldn't get the competitve spirit in me on a Sunday morning, no matter how hard I tried. I do recommend the MiniGolf (aka Putt Putt Golf) if you feel like hitting a ball around without wasting too much energy.

In other recent news, I've broken my losing streak by winning two recent worth contests.. in Photoshop, Pinnochio 9 with Cate Blanchett and Eyes with a photo of Carls eye. Thrilling stuff. Apparently according to Carl this means I no longer have the right to whinge about sucking anymore. Bummer :(

We spent yesterday going through some more boxes of HWNBN's belongings (and mine). It's like Christmas doing these things, opening boxes and the immense pleasure of finding something unexpected, or that you didn't remember buying. Like 15 pairs of shoes. And a bag of new clothes which I bought before we moved and never wore. TradeMe won't know what hit them, I'm telling you. It's great timing, too, since every dollar is going to count soon in the build up to buying our tickets to the US for Christmas. Yes, you heard me, we're doing the mission. The original plan was to fly to Osaka, Japan, for a few days, then on to Madrid, Spain via Frankfrurt, for a week or so, then on to Florida for Christmas before heading back this way. Somehow though, I don't think we can be quite the jetsetters we would like to be, as all up the flights and accomodation (keeping in mind that we don't even have to pay for that in the US) would be around $4000. Not the sort of money you find down the back of the couch, unfortunately.

Wish us luck, anyway, in the saving of money. It's going to be a tough couple of months.

I was at the mall today....

2005-05-31T20:02:00.000+12:00

I was at the mall today, and I was like, just hanging out and stuff minding my own business like, ohmygod, this girl is all "ew" and I was all "huh" and she was all "bring it" and I was all "ohmygod", like.

- This blog post was brought to you by OMGWTFLOLBBQ International (A division of STFU Corporation)

Pink, my new favourite colour

2005-05-29T19:39:00.000+12:00

I felt like a change. Any suggestions are welcome.

I know I can, I think I can

2005-05-27T19:19:00.000+12:00

It's OK, it wasn't real.

blog angst

2005-05-26T17:42:00.000+12:00

I wonder sometimes why angst comes so easily to me. And perhaps also, why it's this quiet angst that starts at my toes with a promising warmth only to end up settling somewhere around my chest cavity, making my heart race and my stomach knot up. It's this strange, immediate sensation which appears to come out of nowhere, like a seizure, and drops me quickly from whatever high I was on to a depressing low. I have no reason to be sad, so I conclude it's merely angst. It's not real sadness, there is nothing terrible which has happened to make me feel this way. It's not real. But it sits there and crushes me with its weight.

It's rather prosaic and cliche'd I suppose to post things such as this on a blog. After all, doesn't the world have enough sad and lonely people pouring their hearts out to strangers about how much their lives suck? Couldn't I actually do something constructive with this angst?

No, I choose the cliche, because I'm lazy.

Whatever they say anyway, writing it down makes it lessen, if not disappear. I still want to curl up, snivel and blubber, but I no longer want to force the angst on others.

In other news.

I wonder if I'll ever grow up? It seems that every time I look around me, at people I knew and know around my age, I feel like I'm still years behind them. As if it's bad enough that the majority of people think I look like I'm still in my teens, I'm also continuing to doubt whether anyone takes me seriously. I had ample opportunity to get ahead, I've been in the workforce full time for 7 years. I don't have the burden of student debt. I've been married and separated, lived independently, travelled alone. But I still feel like I'm looked upon as a little girl in an adults world.

It terrifies me to think that in 5 years time I might still be in this position, unable to make a difference in anyones life or make my mark career wise, because I'm always considered too young to have anything of value.

OK, maybe that wasn't other new, it may have been the angst talking. Enough of this rant, it means nothing.It'll be over in a while and I'll forget it ever happened.

It's not real.

A weird thing about breaking up

2005-05-22T17:30:00.000+12:00

Sometimes, you know, even though its been months or years since you last saw someone you dated (or married), you have this strange desire come over you to track them down and see how they look and how well they are doing. It's a little bit of two things, I think. One, is wanting to see how badly they are doing; and two, is making sure they aren't doing better than you are. Yes, I realise that could be one thing, but it was important enough to mention twice, rephrased differently.

I guess its kind of obvious then, that I had a look for a recent photo of HWSNBN. And I found one.

My god, you fucking hippy fuck.

(excuse my french)

He looks like he hasn't had a haircut since I left him, and he's starting wearing mesh shirts. I wonder, whether that would have happened if I were still with him, or whether it is a direct result of the fact that I left him in Dublin and asked for a divorce via email.

So yes, there is something rather satisfying to see something in their eyes which makes you think "hey, maybe they aren't coping without me?". I have no desire or ambition to go back to him (he caused me far too much pain for someone who supposedly cared about me more than anything), but it's nice to be able to think that he might still pine for me. I actually have a habit of hunting down photos of ex's so I can mock them. Does that make me mad?

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

Onto other news, Carl is off to Christchurch tomorrow for a seminar/conference/work thing, so I'll have one night alone, the first for quite some time. He reminded me this morning while I was half asleep that we're been together 7 months already. How time flies when one is having a good time.

All that aside though, I'll miss him terribly, after I stop bouncing up and down on the bed and hanging off both sides while watching a chick flick on DVD and eating chocolate covered ginger.

smoking

2005-04-28T17:25:00.000+12:00

Smoking.

Now don't get me wrong, I'm well aware that I'm addicted to nicotine and probably have been for quite some time. But god damn if giving up smoking ain't the hardest thing I've had to do. Obviously, it was going to be a difficult task. Habits are hard to break, but what gets me is how easy it is to not smoke at work, but yet the moment I crawl home at the end of the day, I start niccing like crazy, whether I have a patch on or not.

So, a conclusion - it must be the family. Something about them makes me want to slowly snuff myself by dragging down lungfuls of delicious smoke. It's definitely time to move on from here.

just... wow

2005-04-03T22:10:00.000+12:00

Thanks to Dr Moonman for linking this in hyjinx.

PostSecret

mourning the loss of a dear friend

2005-04-03T10:23:00.000+12:00

No, not the pope. We quit smoking today.

I wish I could say that it was completely by choice, and that we just woke up one morning and decided that we didn't want to be slaves to nicotine anymore, but that would be a lie. The truth is, I went to the dentist on Thursday, and was told that I have the early stages of (ew) gum disease, most likely caused by smoking. And if I didn't stop, I'll be losing my teeth in a few years. Needless to say, I'd rather have teeth than smokers gums.

The downside of all this, is that I'm also not allowed to have sugary stuff. No lemonade, no sweets, no sugar in my tea. I don't have anything I can use as a replacement, aside from water and healthy food. And do you know how much I HATE eating healthy food? Lots. The upside, Carl is quitting with me, so at least I'm not alone in this whole thing.

It'll be a tough few weeks, so wish me luck. I'll need all the good vibes I can get.

Easter sucks

2005-03-27T11:13:00.000+12:00

I'm at quite a loss as to what to do today. Easter sucks, mainly because everything is closed, and living in such a place as this, I am severely limited as to what I can do. I'd love to go and take photos, but I'm just not inspired by anything I see out my window. We could drive somewhere, but where?

It's times like these, when I'm desperate for something to entertain me, that I realise what a boring place I live. I live for the day when I wake up somewhere new, and have to argue with my spouse over where to go and what to see. I don't have any of that right now, as much as I love this country. I want moody landscapes and waterfalls, architecture and museums. Casinos and 24 hour everything, all you could want, excitement at every moment. I'm done with the boredom and tedium of living here.

Easter sucks. How dare it illustrate how bored I am?

Who needs kids to adore..

2005-03-15T16:55:00.000+13:00

...when you have one of these?

Answer: Not me

Also, why the hell does Most Haunted not air here anymore? Possibly the only thing I miss about Ireland is UKTV and their 24 hour Most Hauntedathons.

$$$

2005-03-05T17:04:00.000+13:00

I spent too much money today, but I admit, now I feel ultra modern and stylish. It's been a long time since I've purchased more than one item of clothing at once.

Apparently the jeans make me look nice. I think I have the typical "my arse looks huge in this" syndrome.

Pictures coming maybe. Probably not, actually. You'll just have to imagine.

latin beat, IUD's and wallabies

2005-02-28T11:54:00.000+13:00

I never promised I'd update this regulary, did I?

No. I didn't. So consider yourself lucky that I AM updating it now.

Went into town for the weekend just gone, in on the Saturday and back home yesterday arvo. A good time was had by all, though i'm starting to wonder if I've aged more than I thought. I've just completely lost that interest in getting shitfaced and vomiting into someones lap. It's incredibly sad.

We spent a bit of time at the Cuba Street Carnival on Sat, though perhaps not enough to do it justice. We didn't get to see much music, and I missed out on seeing my friend Bridget doing whatever it is that she was doing, but we at least saw the night parade, so that was fun. The rest of the time was spent relaxing, and enjoying being away from my family.

I love my family. But they drive me insane.

Being back in Wellington for a night really reminded me what I love about that city. We left our hotel room on Sunday morning , not even having the decency to have a hangover, and walked into town. There were actually things to do - and this is what I had forgotten about. In Paraparaumu, you don't have that choice. You wake up, and your choices range from the supermarket (lets go squeeze some melons) to Coastlands (Where you can find it all! Except what you actually want.) There's the beach, I guess, but it's just not my idea of fun spending a whole day lying in the sand getting burnt. I don't mind it occasionally, but I love being stimulated (not like that, you filthy bugger). So anyway, in Wellington, you have choices. It makes me seriously contemplate getting transferred. If it weren't for the fact that I love my job right now, and I'm trying to move up in the world, I think I'd do it.

On the subject of work, I'm not there, I'm at home. And for once I have good reason to be muttering and complaining about my state. Men - look away, you don't want to read this. I had my IUD removed this morning, at that little bastard hurt like hell. I don't think I'll ever again feel that kind of pain, at least until I have children, anyway. I'm glad though, relieved to have that piece of copper out of me. Despite the pain, I actually feel better. Never again. If you haven't had one, my advice - DON'T. Unless you are completely happy with having foreign objects in your baby house irritating the hell out of you. That's that, anyway. It almost feels like another link to my past with HWSNBN has been removed.

On to other subjects, by pastime of choice at the moment is Zoo Tycoon 2. I did go through a phase a while ago, but since getting the new version, it's become even more addictive. The only downside is the dreams, and waking up in the middle of the night muttering about wallabies and badly constructed fencing.

So long for now. In another month perhaps something will have happened to require another post.

boring old fart

2005-02-27T20:09:00.000+13:00

Nothing interesting ever happens to me anymore....

bah!

2005-01-29T14:29:00.000+13:00

What, you expect me to update my blog? Baulderdash.

I am reading: Made in America
I am listening to: Fat Freddy's Drop
I am drinking: Dilmah
The last movie I saw was: Un long dimanche de fiançailles
The weather is: Warm, about 20ºC, a scattering of high clouds. Scorchio.
I'm using: My New Laptop

Yes.. a post... and a Kiwi Christmas

2004-12-23T17:26:00.000+13:00

'Twas the Night before Xmas and all through the bach
Not even a weta was making a scratch
Woolly socks were hung by the pot belly with care
In the hopes that Santa soon would be there

The children were snoozing in a light summer's breeze
Whilst dreaming of spongy pud and lime green cream freeze
And dad in his walk shorts and me in my Jandals
Had just settled down for a couple of handles

When out on the lawn I heard such a ruckus
I sprang from my Lazy Boy to see what the fuss was
I ran to the sliding door, gasping and wheezing
Threw open the curtains and upped the venetians

The moon on the sand and the Trailer tarp
Lit the beach up just like Eden Park
But still when I saw, I thought I was asleep
A miniature Kingswood, pulled by eight tiny sheep

With a little old driver, sipping a Fanta
I knew in a moment, it had to be Santa
Faster than Phar Lap on steroids they came
And he coo-eed and shouted and called them by name

Now, Kevin! Now, Sharlene! Now, Rangi and Beck!
On, Darryl! On Shazza! On, Bilbo and Shrek!
To the top of the Pagoda, to the top of the wall
Get in behind, Get in behind, Get in behind, all!

As sandflies around a bar-b-que fly
When they sniff the sizzlers and take to the sky
So up to the top of the bach they flew
With a boot full of toys and Santa Claus too

With a handbrake stop, they arrived on the roof
Four Goodyear tyres and 32 hoofs
And as I quickly turned and ran to the lounge
Out from the chimney Santa came with a bound

He was wearing boardshorts, and gumboots on foot
And his Mambos were covered in six-month-old soot
A bundle of toys he had on his back
As if on OE with a brand new Macpac

He looked like he'd come from the beauty parlour
With rosy red cheeks like pohutukawa
A gorgeous big grin and white as white hair
With wee little tufts growing out of his ears

He had a broad chest and a round beer gut
That shook when he laughed like Jabba the Hutt
He was chubby and plump, a right jolly hobbit
And I laughed when I saw him, I couldn't stop it

He gave me a wink and a bonza thumbs up
And I quickly realised he wasn't a nut
He went straight to the socks without saying a thing
And filled them with barbies and Shrek 2 keyrings

Then giving his nose a jolly good scratch
He flew up the chimney with an almighty flash
He jumped in the Kingswood and cranked the ignition
And then they took off, like some Nasa mission

But I think I could hear, as he drove out of sight
"Merry Christmas to all, have a bloody good night!"

still alive

2004-11-09T06:20:00.000+13:00

I'm still alive, just busy. I'll have thoughts soon.

More blog tests again - it's better than being Windows 1.0

2004-10-16T19:26:00.000+13:00

The Dante's Inferno Test has banished you to the Seventh Level of Hell!
Here is how you matched up against all the levels:

Level	Score
Purgatory (Repenting Believers)	Very Low
Level 1 - Limbo (Virtuous Non-Believers)	Very Low
Level 2 (Lustful)	Extreme
Level 3 (Gluttonous)	Moderate
Level 4 (Prodigal and Avaricious)	Very High
Level 5 (Wrathful and Gloomy)	Very High
Level 6 - The City of Dis (Heretics)	Extreme
Level 7 (Violent)	Extreme
Level 8- the Malebolge (Fraudulent, Malicious, Panderers)	Extreme
Level 9 - Cocytus (Treacherous)	High

Take the Dante's Inferno Test

more blog tests

2004-10-15T22:06:00.000+13:00

Which File Extension are You?

Which OS are You?

STUPID BLOG TESTS.

*sob*

We have sort of a... problem here

2004-10-13T21:40:00.000+13:00

ACT I: In the offices of Initech. I mean, uhm.. "Generic Corporation Inc"

Boss: So, Jayce.. all ready to go to Wellington tomorrow?
Jayce: Ugh.. sure, yeah, whatever I suppose.
Boss: Cool, OK. You need to do this and this, then some of this, then if you could do this and call this person before doing this, that would be great
Jayce: Ugh... sure, yeah, whatever I suppose.

(Jayce exits stage right)

Jayce: Mutter mutter, I have to do all this stuff

(Jayce completes horrendous amounts of useless preparation crap and goes to see her boss)

Boss: Oh... hi! It's you! Uhm... we have sort of a... problem here

(Jayce thinks "Uh oh, that sounds very Lumbergh Office Space-ish, this can't be good")

Jayce: Riiiiiight. OK. Hit me with it.
Boss: So we don't need you to go into town tomorrow. Yeah. There is a reason for this, but we won't tell you. Basically all you need to know is you've wasted 4 hours of your life, you probably won't meet your targets because you couldn't do your proper work, and we're going to ask you to do it again tomorrow.

(Jayce hits head against wall repeatedly)

The CRAP

2004-10-12T21:19:00.000+13:00

This is the "CRAP" that I had to shift while I was in Auckland. I figured I might as well show you what a bitch the whole thing was. Feel sorry for me?

...

2004-10-11T21:20:00.000+13:00

You know that feeling you get sometimes, when you just want to say "Oh, fuck it. Fuck everything. Let me sleep"...? I've been feeling that way since I got home. It's not that I had a bad day, not at all. I got all of my work done and nothing terrible happened. My family are still alive, I didn't maim myself or lose a limb. No-one was nasty to me. But for some reason I don't have the energy to even breathe properly right now. My entire body feels like it's trying to shake something loose, like a thought, or a feeling, and it can't manage it, so it's seized up. My emotions are rebelling on me and I've been lashing out at people. If I didn't know any better, I'd say it's PMS, but unfortunately I DO know better, and thus I have no clue what is causing this.

There's this part of me that just wants to go, lie down and never get up again. And not that I haven't felt this way before, and gotten over it, I just thought I was past all this. I found my freedom and my bliss in being where I am, I wrapped my arms so tightly around it so I'd never lose it, and now I feel as if it's slipping through my fingers. Shouldn't part of my freedom be the ability to say "NO, I WILL NOT"// 1. Force myself to smile 2. Pretend everything is OK 3. Settle for less. Yeah, I know. How does one learn to be free after being caged for so long? And the What If// 1. I shrink back into myself 2. Nothing works out 3. I never feel any better about my decisions.

It's dramatic, and it's a bitch, and I'm pissed off that I feel the way I do. Too used to supressing emotions to save those around me, I'm not aware enough of myself yet, I know it, and god dammmit I feel it deep within me. The angst runs through my veins, I breathe and bleed my emotional aches and pains.

Does it make sense? Why do I need to be reassured or validated so often? I've only just managed to rid myself of the person who controlled me in so many respects and now it's as if I'm trying to replace them.

Fuck it all, I'm going to lie down.

Auckland sucks like the suckiest suckfest in Suckville

2004-10-11T19:47:00.000+13:00

I hate Auckland.

And not just in a Smug-Rest-Of-NZ-JAFA's-Are-Such-Wankers kind of way, I mean I really hate it. There is really nothing I like about Auckland except for the Volcanoes. It's kinda cool looking at all these mounds and know that they're not all dormant, one day they may just erupt and destroy the hole that is Tamaki Makau Rau.

One thing I realised, while I was there - there is nothing to do in Auckland if you don't have a) money or b) a car. Which is why being stuck in Auckland with no transport, no money, and nothing to do SUCKS.

I took a couple of photos, but they're boring and I won't bother to show you. If you really cared, you could ask, but do you really want to? No, you don't.

I'm going to be working in town Wed/Thurs/Fri this week, then I fly back to the Hellhole on Sunday, and don't get back to "proper" work until the 27th. I doubt I'll have much net access in Auckland, but I may find a net cafe. Those of you who care about me and I care about will no doubt keep in touch via email. If you don't, you're a bunch of bastards and I hate you. Just kidding. But not really.

BAH!

2004-10-08T20:53:00.000+13:00

I have to be up at 5:30am tomorrow morning to go and catch a plane to Auckland to move all my crap. And I don't even get to keep most of it. What a complete waste of time, money and effort. Why I ever agreed I don't know. Oh... right. Because despite all the shit, I still want to do nice things for HWSNBN, and hope he doesn't hate me. I'm such a pushover.

Yeah. And then on the 18th I have to fly back up there again for work, and (wait for it), bad-ish news - I'm going alone. I'm the only one being sent up there, not as part of a group which is what I expected. So I'll be in Auckland for 5 nights alone, with no one to keep me company, no friends to visit, probably no money, and in all likelihood, no internet access.

DAMN.

Sydney

2004-10-06T21:17:00.000+13:00

Yeah, WorthmeAt is over. I don't want to talk about it. You can find the photos here if you haven't seen them already, I'll update them when I can be arsed.

In other news, psycho workmate got fired today, which was "interesting". I'll miss the conversations on Mexican Death Metal. Also, I have to fly to Auckland for a week on the 18th to do training for my new role, as the company I work for has won a new contract which needs a new team created, which I'm part of. Change is good.

My brain hurts, my nose is blocked, eyes watering, my sinuses ache, I'm coughing like anything, sneezing every few minutes and my back has started to ache again. Screw this shit, I'm taking drugs and no one is gonna stop me. I'll sneak Sudafed when my mother isn't looking and she can think that it was her homeopathic crap that did the trick.

the "how broken is my brain" quiz

2004-09-27T21:29:00.000+12:00

Your Brain Usage Profile:

Auditory : 14%
Visual : 85%
Left : 41%
Right : 58%

Jayce, you are somewhat right-hemisphere dominant and have a strong visual preference, a blend of characteristics which typically apply to persons with an "artistic" temperament.

In all likelihood, you naturally act in the way that people have come to expect artists to act. With your dominant visual learning style you are active and seeking, working to absorb all of the facets of your environment. Your mind rarely rests, for even when you are not scouring the environment you are turning your searchlight on your own internal processes.

You are intense! In continually processing the data as you do on a multidimensional level, you spend little of your time in reflection -- or sometimes in social niceties. There is a high probability that you are "out of check" -- though not out of control -- sometimes, swept away by the feelings of the moment. You are one of those individuals that may well attempt to assemble a complex piece of equipment without reading the directions or following a sequence, though you might look at the diagram. Sequencing your own behavior is problematic at times.

You are rarely reflective about yourself or your motivations. You know when things are right because you feel it, you intuit as automatically as you breathe. With others, you tend to "go with your guts," not needing rules or expectations to govern your friendships.

You absorb material rapidly and randomly, it is filed "helter skelter" internally. Listening or learning from materials presented in a purely verbal fashion is not your "strong suit" and your performance in situations designed for left-hemisphere dominant persons will not always measure up to the expectations of others. If you have particular learning needs, it is to sequence material and remain focused while you are processing, to develop "structuring" techniques, and to become more efficient with your spontaneity and creativity.

seednee and HWSNBN

2004-09-27T19:59:00.000+12:00

Screw this, I'm off to Sydney.

Well, OK... so it's not quite that spontaneous, it's been planned for months. Ye great and holy WorthmeAt is being held 1 - 3 October, and I leave on Wednesday for Australia. Yippee! It'll be my first trip abroad by myself, which should be fun. The only time I've gone to Australia, it was with He Who Shall Not Be Named, and it was Perth. We had fun, but it was towards the end of things, and I think I knew that.

Speaking of HWSNBN, it's most definitely over. We'll be officially separated as of April/May, so divorce will be along April/May 2006, which feels like a hell of a long time to wait. The one thing that bugs me, wedding plans aside, it was a hell of a lot easier to get married than it's going to be to get divorced. They need to have compulsary counselling sessions before you wed or something, because had someone had an objective view, I may not be in this mess right now.

That said. It could be messier. We don't have kids, that wasn't on the cards for years, if at all. We never got a house or mortgage together (close call). We're still talking, kind of. I still have moments, especially when I think of his family, and I get a bit teary. It's not divorcing him, it's knowing that I likely won't see his family again. They probably already think I'm an evil bitch who has destroyed his life, and that's the most awful feeling. His mother took such good care of me, and his dad is lovely, treating me better than my biological father ever did. His sister and I got on well, she wasn't being an overprotective sibling, and we actually chatted a few times about the issues me and HWSNBN were having, but it doesn't seem right to do that now. He needs his family, and I don't want to push myself into their lives and his territory, as much as it kills me to leave them behind.

I have to stop being whistful and thinking back to the good times. I actually have to stop myself, and make myself think about those times he made me feel like shit, worthless. And the times I cried while he pushed me away. It wasn't all roses, it wasn't a fairytale, and it wasn't how a marriage should be. Sure, there were times, and moments. There are things I will never forget, but they're the past, and I'm sick of looking behind me. Open eyes, eyes forwards. Future. Growth. Potential.
.
.
.
And I've seen in the green of your eyes
How you despise the things that make me me
That my heart beats too strongly
You fear it will escape your grasp
So you dig your sharpened nails
Into the substance of my soul
.
.
.
It's time to move on.

moo

2004-09-25T22:31:00.000+12:00

Hey Taz, thanks for the link (from your blog). I know you're reading this because you're stalking me, don't deny it.

amusement parks

2004-09-25T22:00:00.000+12:00

I'm not in the mood to write anything of my own, so I'll share the words of another:

------------------------------------------------------------------

The world is like a ride at an amusement park. And when you choose to go on it, you think that it's real because that's how powerful our minds are. And the ride goes up and down and round and round. It has thrills and chills, and it's very brightly coloured, and it's very loud and it's fun, for a while. Some people have been on the ride for a long time, and they begin to question - is this real, or is this just a ride? And other people have remembered, and they come back to us.

They say 'Hey! Don't worry, don't be afraid, ever, because, this is just a ride.'

And we...kill those people.

'Shut him up! We have a lot invested in this ride. SHUT HIM UP! Look at my furrows of worry. Look at my big bank account and family. This just has to be real.'

It's just a ride. But we always kill those good guys who try and tell us that, you ever notice that? And let the demons run amok. But it doesn't matter because: it's just a ride. And we can change it anytime we want. It's only a choice. No effort, no work, no job, no savings, and money. A choice, right now, between fear and love. The eyes of fear want you to put bigger locks on your doors, buy guns, close yourselves off. The eyes of love, instead, see all of us as one. Here's what you can do to change the world, right now, to a better ride. Take all that money that we spend on weapons and defence each year, and instead spend it feeding, clothing and educating the poor of the world, which it would many times over, not one human being excluded, and we could explore space, together, both inner and outer, for ever, in peace.

------------------------------------------------------------------

oh yeah...

2004-09-23T18:19:00.000+12:00

You aren't seeing things... I changed my colour scheme from blue to purple to match the flowers :)

That is all.

to whom it may concern

2004-09-23T13:43:00.000+12:00

Dear Sir,

Thank you for the flowers. They truly made my day.

Love,
Jayce

something smells fishy

2004-09-19T21:49:00.000+12:00

Damn this work thing. Not only does it mean I have less time to be on the net, it doesn't exactly provide me with lots of exciting material to blog about. Though there was an incident the other day, but I'm not allowed to talk about it. Damned corporates. I also managed to get a photo of my desk, but I fear that if I post it, the men will come and take me away. Ah, working life, how I love it.

So.. the exciting thing today, I now have a dilemna (yay!). Do I buy a Mexican Walking Fish, or do I buy a Snake Neck Turtle? My original plan was to get a tank with a couple of Axolotls and leave it at that, but me and mumsy went into a pet shop today (I wanted to check the pet shop prices for the MWF) and I saw these bizarre little turtles that look like ET in a tank. I stared at this one for about 10 minutes, its creepy little eyes following me, this ET head on a long neck. Cute and novel, but not cheap at $115 each.

Anyone know much about these things? Could I keep a MWF and a SNT in the same tank? Or do I have to choose? I'd love both, but not if one is going to eat or hump the other one. I would ask the building manager at work (he owns a fish business on the side) but every time I start talking to him he makes me late back to work from my breaks. I trust the internet community more.

nobody there

2004-09-12T11:31:00.000+12:00

Someone linked this on the MB, worth wasting a few hours navigating:

Nobody There

I don't seem to have much to say at the moment. I have PMS and I'm being a real bitch, so please just leave me be.

'tis a rant

2004-09-02T18:46:00.000+12:00

WARNING: RATED R FOR RANT

Do you want to know what pisses me off? What really gets my goat?

“I can’t”

Nothing fucks me off more, excuse the language, than people who don’t realize how much fucking, excuse me again, freedom they have. You are alive, therefore you are free. The only thing that is holding you back is fear. It’s the fear that oppresses you, nothing more. Don’t give me this “financially it’s just not going to work” bullshit. That’s nothing more than an excuse. You only need to look at people who have fled as refugees, with nothing but their children and the clothes they were wearing. They don’t have money, or belongings, only hope, because they don’t have a choice. You can have hope, or you can die. I know which one I prefer. Simply by virtue of being alive, you have choices in front of you. Life or death? White bread or brown? To be or not to be? Stop fucking procrastinating and do the things that have been simmering inside your brain since birth.

If I can take the risk, leaving everything behind, finding my own life, then why can’t you? Yeah, I was afraid, I let fear control my life, and to some degree perhaps I will always be afraid, but I had to make that choice, live inside or die inside, and I chose life. When I was with Him, I was the loneliest I had ever been. No matter who was there, whom I surrounded myself with, no matter if he bought me flowers or said he loved me, I was still alone, because I didn’t know myself. The concept of ‘me’ was foreign and my time was dedicated to worrying about what others thought, instead of what I thought of myself.

You know, after getting away, and finally doing something for myself, I think I like me. I’m not such a bad person, which is how I felt when I was constantly letting people down, because it’s fucking hard to please people who are taking advantage of you. It feels good to be free. You should try it. One day, you’re going to look back and wonder why you ever worried what others thought, or whether you were being a burden on them, or if it was possible to be the Real You. I guarantee that.

No, it doesn’t make sense. I just read it back, but that’s the thing with writing when you’re riled up, it’s like literary vomit and you can’t really hold it back. Take from it what you will, it was a long day.

freaking ghetto

2004-08-29T17:04:00.000+12:00

Yeah, I'm getting sick of those freaking blog titles too. Don't worry, promise this is the last one.

This is a short post, with only one thing I want to say. I want this for Christmas. Someone, PLEASE buy it for me. Please?

freaking 1st place

2004-08-28T21:43:00.000+12:00

I won! 1/9. How bizarre. Thank you all for voting. If you didn't vote, screw you buddy, you big... big.... meanie.

How the hell did I do it? I barely write except to blog, chat and comment on Worth. I barely passed English in 5th form. I think my English teachers exact words were "Why don't you try Chemistry or Biology instead of pursuing Journalism?" (which is what I aspired to do when I was 15 or so, before my "I want to be a funeral director" stage). They weren't exactly encouraging of me at college, not that I cared whether they were or not, but the Careers Advisor/Counsellor told me towards the end of my schooling that I'd never make anything of myself, and I'd likely end up on the dole with 5 kids struggling to pay the bills in my 20's. Screw you, lady. I earn more than you do and I haven't even hit 23. I have 5 solid years in I.T, I'll have my MCSE and A+ next year, and I actually enjoy what I do, rather than sitting in my office moping and waiting for the next depressed and anxious teen to walk through your door so you can attempt to destroy their hopes and dreams.

Anyway, thats in the past. I've progressed beyond that, it didn't get me down. As soon as I left school I was trying to find work. Picking apples, delivering newspapers, selling heroin, whatever. Apart from the 6 months at the start of this year (which seriously depressed me) I haven't been unemployed since I left school, and that pleases me greatly.

So, what's been happening? Work, home, sleep, bath. It's good to be back into a routine which involves getting up at a set time, doing things as I'm told, and earning money (oh yeah, baby, I got paid, woo!). I haven't spent much yet, I have to actually sit down and think about what I want to do instead of blindly spending money on crap. Today I went down to the mall and shelled out $140 to change the dates on my ticket to Sydney, so I take less time off work and can extend my Labour Day weekend at the end of October. I have to work through Christmas/New Years as part of the skeleton staff in order to take this time off, so I have to make the most of it. Working through the holidays doesn't bother me, Christmas lost its meaning the year I didn't get the Cabbage Patch doll I wanted so desperately, I can live without the fake family togetherness and cheap presents. If we're going to be a family who act nice towards each other and enjoy the company, we should do it every freaking day of the year, not 25th December, then and then only. That's my goal, anyhow. I've hugged my mother a lot lately and told her I love her. She'd better bloody well appreciate it.

One link to finish things off. I appear to have misplaced my pants.

freaking vote whore

2004-08-23T21:32:00.000+12:00

So, I entered my very first EVER text entry at worth. And because the only people who read this blog are worthians (I think) I'm hoping that perhaps I can persuade some of you to check out the contest and vote.

It's about Worth, so they're good reads, and theres only 9 entries, so it's easy peasy. So I present to you:

OMGWTFBBQ Worth Ballads

Thank you kindly for your attention :)

freaking sunday

2004-08-22T16:47:00.000+12:00

Why did this weekend have to end so soon? I was quite enjoying the sleeping in and general lazing about.

I thought I'd just make a mention of a few things:

MENTION ONE
It is FREAKISHLY and UNNATURALLY cold at the moment. We had snow the other day, its been in the negatives at night, and I have abut 8 blankets on my bed. My toes feel like they'll snap off it I try to move them.

MENTION TWO
I miss my chat buddies :( I miss Jim and dead, and moon and moges, and kitten and cyn, and EVERYONE (you know who you are, I don't need to say your name). I miss talking crap 16 hours a day.

MENTION THREE
I spent all my money this weekend. I got a skirt (yes, I know), three tops, Snakeskin on DVD and 2 CD's, plus a bunch of other crap I didn't really need, just because I had it, and because I'd worked for a week and stupidly felt like I deserved it. I now have no money whatsoever, and I think He Who Shall Not Be Named has cut me off for good this time. Another 3 weeks until pay day. I have no idea what I'm going to do when I run out of smokes.

MENTION FOUR
The Olympics suck. Admittedly, they would suck less if New Zealand actually won medals. But they still suck, though there is some sort of sick satisfaction you get seeing a 16 year old Russian girl topple of the assymetrical bars.

MENTION FIVE
Blogger is a #$%@. But it's free, and at least you can edit your templates.

MENTION SIX
I am getting DSL the moment I get paid. Dialup bites. Hard. And not in a good way.

That is all.

freaking slacker

2004-08-20T21:08:00.000+12:00

Yes, I am a freaking slacker. It's been a week since I last updated my blog, but you'll forgive me, surely. I've been getting up at 7am and barely having time to check my email and quickly skim over the worth message board threads before heading to work, working my butt off until I get home after, and only having enough time to hang in chat to catch up on the days events, check the MB and contests, vote if I have time, eat dinner and head to bed.

I have a heap of crap to catch up on, lots to do this weekend, but I am SO PLEASED to say that I have actually earned it. This is my first proper weekend of the year, and that blows my mind. We're in freaking AUGUST for gods sake. What the hell was I doing for 8 months? Sweet F-A, that's what.

Now, I am MOTIVATED. And to show just how motivated I am, I am using CAPS. I'm going to learn another language, take a photography course, catch up with people I haven't seen in months or years, find new friends, read lots of books, learn to cook... buy clothes and dnace the night away and there is no f*cker in this world who is going to stop me. Yes, I AM MOTIVATED.

Fucked if I'm going to sit around and be complacent or god freaking forbid, lazy. You people should be in my head to feel this. But you aren't.

Oh, work... work is good! I have a workmate who I've been nattering to, who seems "interesting". A little odd, but odd is good. Everyone seems nice now I've gotten over my intial nervousness, they're helpful, and I've found my smokers group to yap with while we gut drag our cancer sticks in the sunshine.

I promise I'll update again soon. I won't let this blog die tragically due to my inattention. Does anyone still read my thoughts?

my first day

2004-08-13T19:57:00.000+12:00

So, I had my first day of work today. Panic stations first thing, new work, new people, new policies.. you know, never a fun day. Spent my first few hours in training on the new phone system they're having installed over the weekend, which was interesting, had orientation, got lost a few times, met people, couldn't remember their names afterwards. Came home at lunchtime, needed the break (and smoke), ate corned beef, sat in chat for a while :)

The afternoon was a little more interesting, just as I was starting to wonder if I could really hack the ultra corporate thing, after being handed a stack of papers, manuals, forms, brochures.. I got sat between two blokes who did the intro thing and immediately queried how many mp3's I have and whether I wanted to know how to get around some of the rules. This made my day a hell of a lot brighter, they remind me a lot of the guys I used to work with, and it's nice to know they aren't all suit and tie corporate types. I have my own desk, a luvverly 19" flat panel monitor, 2 PC's, flash chair.. I can't complain on that end. I was allowed to leave early as well, which was appreciated, it was a difficult day with far too much information to take in. God knows how I'm going to remember all the details of the call logging system (I know I will, but it always seems complicated at first). I'm going to have trouble with names. I get my photo ID in a few weeks, and hopefully I can start studying to sit my MCSE and A+ in the next couple of months.

Oh, the real bitch? They all got paid yesterday. And the pay is monthly, so I won't get anything for at least a month :( I need to buy clothes, all my work clothes are either in Ireland or in storage. I need to buy lunch a few days a week. I need to fund my pornog... I mean, stamp collecting addiction. I suppose I'll live, I'm gonna have to.

Smiled all day, by the way. I wonder what they make of me?

meme time

2004-08-12T21:10:00.000+12:00

1. Who are you?
2. Are we friends?
3. When and how did we meet?
4. How have I affected you?
5. What do you think of me?
6. What's the fondest memory you have of me?
7. How long do you think we will be friends?
8. Do you love me?
9. Do you have a crush on me?
10. Would you kiss me?
11. Would you hug me?
12. Physically, what stands out?
13. Emotionally, what stands out?
14. Do you wish I was cooler?
15. On a scale of 1-10, how hot am I?
16. Give me a nickname and explain why you picked it.
17. Am I loveable?
18. How long have you known me?
19. Describe me in one word.
20. What was your first impression?
21. Do you still think that way about me now?
22. What do you think my weakness is?
23. Do you think I'll get married?
24. What makes me happy?
25. What makes me sad?
26. What reminds you of me?
27. If you could give me anything what would it be?
28. How well do you know me?
29. When's the last time you saw me?
30. Ever wanted to tell me something but couldn't?
31. Do you think I could kill someone?
32. Are you going to put this on your blog and see what I say about you?

a demonstration of my general slackness

2004-08-09T13:40:00.000+12:00

I haven't blogged for a few days, not for lack of things happening, but for lack of things I want to really share. Pulled an all nighter on Saturday night (well, I dozed for a few hours around midnight, but that was it) and finally let myself dream last night. I think it may have been the best sleep I've had for a while, hazy happy dreams and a general feeling of wellness and rightness when I woke. And Paraparaumu has put on another lovely day (so much for those predicted thunderstorms), the sun is shining, the birds are singing, I'm sitting inside on my laptop... good times :)

I plan to head out sooner or later, not sure what for, other than to retrieve money from my irish bank account (thanks hubby for not cutting me off). Perhaps I'll find a gently sloping grassy hill somewhere and lie in the sun feeling happy and daydream. Whatever I do, it will be with a smile on my face.

Oh, no word from the recruitment agent yet on my contract. Hopefully I'll hear today or tomorrow. I need to ensure there isn't a clause about facial piercings and general appearance :)

delayed entry

2004-08-07T12:22:00.000+12:00

Went into town yesterday, specifically to pick up the contract for my new job, only to find that the recruitment agent didn't yet have the paperwork. It sure felt like a waste of 4 hours (we stopped numerous times on the way in, picking things up, cups of tea, etc) but it got me out of the house, I suppose. And the recruitment agent did apologise, profusely, many times, so it's hard to remain pissed off about the whole thing. We did talk on the phone, and he's going to make sure he has it on Monday or Tuesday, meaning another trip into town, and apparently they want me to start Wednesday/Thursday.

Went to my mothers bookclub last night, which was less about books and more about the pains of childbirth, the best place to have a c-section, and whether vaginal examinations are invasive and necessary if they can detect a breech birth. I did pick up a book called "The Poisonwood Bible" which I'll start reading tonight :) Some good came from the whole event.

Tangent: Does anyone remember the book Masquerade by Kit Williams? I was thinking about it this morning, and must try to find a copy somewhere. I remember it fascinating me when I was younger. If anyone has a copy, feel free to send it to me (hint hint). Must add that to the Christmas Wish List.

(No-one says) Oh. My. God.

2004-08-05T21:49:00.000+12:00

So, I got offered the job today. Got a call at 6 or so from the recruitment agent to inform me that he had just gotten off the phone to the company, and they'd like to hire me :) It's a bit more specialised than the one that I applied for (thank jeebus my Office practical didn't put them off) but the benefits remain the same. Same pay (standard starting rate, good enough for me), superannuation, yearly sports grant, full medical, unlimited sick leave.

I'll be heading into town tomorrow at some stage to pick up and go over the contract with the recruitment agent. Get to go in via car this time, which is much more preferable to the train. I'll probably stop at my old work if I have time and drop a box of chocolates off to my old boss, who gave me a glowing reference, by the sound of things, and perhaps take God(frey) out for coffee and/or cake.

I guess I'm happy, this is a step forward in separating myself from he who shall not be named. I'll have my own paycheck, something to occupy me, a bit of security for now, new people to meet. My worth time is going to be seriously reduced, but not much can be done about that.

That's all from me. I leave you with this, unrelated to the events of the day, relevant to my frame of mind.

"Better never to have met you in my dream than to wake and reach for hands that are not there."
Otomo No Yakamochi

and the results are in.. and the winner is...

2004-08-04T16:30:00.000+12:00

Just got a call from the psychologist who had gone through my results.. thought it might be nice to share my madness.

Spatial reasoning: I'm in the 80th percentile
Verbal reasoning: I'm in the 71st percentile (got 95% correct of the ones I answered, 19 out of 20, but ran out of time)
Microsoft Word: 80% correct
Microsoft Excel: 66% correct (but the laptop ran out of battery, so I lost time and didn't complete)
Microsoft Powerpoint: 80% correct (stronger in advanced skills than intermediate, WTF?)
Microsoft Access: 77% correct, and again stronger in advanced than intermediate. I never use Access, I have no idea how I did that.

My personality profile shows that I am: self controlled, restrained, modest, humble, reserved and quiet, analytical, not innovative, flexible, organised, a worrier. I work better in groups. I cope well with change but don't actively seek it out. I work strictly to deadlines.

Make of it what you will. I don't think I care any more what they think. I'm shitty. And tetchy. And want to yell.. not because of the results.. I don't exactly know why. There is only one word which can sum this up. BLARGLE.

testing.. testing.. tahi.. rua.. toru

2004-08-03T22:33:00.000+12:00

I sat my psychometric test today. Well, part of it was psychometric, some of it was more practical. Not too sure yet how I did, I know I stuffed up some of the practical stuff in the Office Suite test. How was I to know that there was an Access component? :(

Also, the laptop ran out of battery half way through one of the components, so I lost about 5 minutes while I waited for the AC adapter. I guess I can be reasonably pleased with my performance. In other words, I didn't write "I am a fish" 400 times, do a little dance and faint (10 points for the reference). The picture below is of the first part, the personality profiling. I answered completely truthfully, which I don't feel at all bad about, and if they reject me for the job because of that, then I don't want to work there.

The trip into town on the train was tense, as per usual, but not as bad as some of the other times. I resisted the urge to leap off the train half way (at a stop, of course), like I sometimes do. Kept myself entertained reading about Jonah Lomu's kidney transplant. Mildly amused myself by thinking of writing a childrens book using the headline "Jonah Gets A Kidney". It sounds exactly like some of the crap in bookstores you see, I'm sure it would sell well.

What else did I do today? I booked and paid for my ticket to Sydney for September! It's getting close, and real. I can't wait. Nervous as hell, but happy to have something planned finally.

Uhm, what else to report (as if anyone cares). Receiving pleading emails from husbandthing. Torn between wanting to go back due to being sick of the loneliness, and wanting to get as far away from him as possible (which I guess I kinda already am). I still really don't know at this stage. Who knows, it may work out. That's all for now, really.

Sweet dreams, children of the night.

my life story

2004-08-02T21:02:00.000+12:00

I spent 2 hours this evening writing a shortened version of my life story. I stopped at 4 pages, 2657 words, 13822 characters. I could have gone on writing for another 3 or 4 pages if my brain hadn't begun to ache, and my fingers seize up.

I might put it up here one day, after I remove the sordid and illegal parts.

Anyway, thought I would share. I'm all written out now, no more blog entries today.

interview toru part deux

2004-08-02T13:54:00.000+12:00

I went to my job interview, and was early (yay). It went pretty well, not nearly as formal as the other one, and only a few curly questions to stump me. As I left the guy I met with actually said "good answers, that's what we wanted to hear". so it was all positive.

Took some photos on my way home.. after having a mild panic attack at the thought of taking my camera with me to the interview - high security, if they'd found it it would have looking incredibly bad. I stopped off at the lake (he wahi whangai rakiraki) and got chased by some rather defensive and territorial geese. Bastards. That was about it, will write more if my brain begins to function enough to write something decent.

interview toru

2004-08-02T10:49:00.000+12:00

My third interview is in just over an hour (same job). I'm not as stressed as last time, but still a bit nervous and fully expecting them to try to trip me up with some bendy questions, and thus, I am a little twitchy.

My postcards have started arriving :) Jim got his today, I'm guessing the others should start turning up soon.. well I hope so anyway. Got some more written yesterday, and I'll post them after this interview.

Any comments on the new layout? It did my head in (stupid blogger style sheets argh) so I hope it was worth the hassle to change it.

Please critique my layout.

panorama

2004-08-01T18:33:00.000+12:00

I was bored this morning.. so decided to try for a panoramic photo of the view from our back deck. It's not the most exciting of views, but we're lucky to be quite elevated here so we can see forever in most directions. This is looking south-ish.

christmas wish list

2004-07-31T23:48:00.000+12:00

If I win lotto, or have the money, or if someone wants to play secret santa (buy me stuff, not some sort of kinky sex game), I have compiled a list of things I want for Christmas:

Pink Floyd - The Wall DVD
A Twister Duvet Cover set
Flash laptop that looks cool as well as being more practical
~~Goldenhorse - Riverhead~~ .... woo! I got this on CD! Thank you ex-workmate!
Illicit Misery Hoodie
And perhaps an Illicit Chainsaw Charlie shirt
A new dolly
Remote controlled blimp (thanks chimpboy)
Kick ass digital SLR camera which makes my current one look like a disposable kodak
A weimaraner puppy or 10

I'll keep adding until I run out of cool stuff.

what kind of loser am I?

2004-07-30T21:45:00.000+12:00

Thanks to mpolgara for linking this test (click the image to see the full stupid graph that doesn't mean anything):

Category V - The Lone Wolf

Though you'd be welcome in most groups, you prefer a more solitary path.

What Type of Social Entity are You? brought to you by Quizilla

You forgot to include a title!

2004-07-30T20:50:00.000+12:00

Got another call from the recruitment agent this morning.. got woken by the phone, and had to pretend that I wasn't groggy from sleep, but feeling a bit under the weather. I think he bought it. He called me again later today to say that he had called both of my references, and they were both glowing and very positive (I expected this, I'm on great terms with all my previous employers). It sounds like he passed the reference info on to the company I've applied to, and they're *very* interested, and have set up another interview for Monday, which will be a bit less formal than the last one, but still an interview, so I've been warned to keep my guard up in case they're hoping I slip up and reveal something I shouldn't.

In other news, my brother was up here today. He's flying out to live in Sydney on Sunday, so it's the whole family goodbye thing. It's always good to see him, I like spending time with him, even if his friends are a bit mad and immature. He's gone out now with an old friend, and might come back or SMS me later if they go to the Lime Bar. It might be nice to go out for an hour or two for a drink and a chinwag.

Nothing else to report. I'm all nerved out with this job thing, it's going to be a quiet weeked (is there any other sort for me?) and hopefully a full week coming up.

practising your name so I can say it to your face

2004-07-29T14:53:00.000+12:00

Is it possible to ever love again when previously it has led to nothing but heartbreak?
Is there any more of my soul left to offer to anyone?
Are fear and loneliness and misery and desperation clouding my good sense?
Can you ever really know someone until you meet them?

Lately I seem to have all the questions and practically none of the answers. I don't even think I'm capable of making decisions and drawing conclusions. I'm terrified of doing the wrong thing. I've never felt so scared.

(just so this doesn't seem like a fully depressed entry, here's what I call eye candy).

it's so.. retro

2004-07-28T23:46:00.000+12:00

Here's some retro Jayce photo action for you. Thats me, age 16 or so, with my ex-boyfriend Jamin. We got our tongues pierced together by a gypsy and both got expelled for it. Good times.

but I don't WANNA job

2004-07-28T15:54:00.000+12:00

OK, so I had no reason to be nervous. But yeah, we all say that afterwards, right?

The interview went as well as could be expected. The ladies who I met with were really nice, friendly and pretty easy to talk with... and the best thing? They didn't make me do the psychometric test. Apparently that is interview 3 if I get that far. The job itself looks to be a bit more structured than I thought (you gotta be with a company of thousands of people I guess). Everything is rostered, down to the tea/coffee breaks.

The good news, super, a yearly sports grant and unlimited sick leave.

They had me sit with one of the analysts while he took some calls, which was kinda cool. It all appears to be stuff I can pick up easily enough, I don't have any concerns about doing the job. All the people I met seem nice enough.

I dunno. I'm torn.. it seems like a really good job, and I could do it, and get the money... but it's going to seriously cut into my Worth time :( I know, I know.. I'm lucky to even have the opportunity. And I do need the money for getting to Sydney. It's not going to be up to me anyway, and you never know, they might not call me back for another interview.

We shall see.

I'm nervous.. someone slap me

2004-07-28T10:45:00.000+12:00

I have my job interview in just over 3 hours time.. I'm nervous as hell. I hate job interviews, and I know I'm going to be put on the spot. If the recruitment agent is correct, they're going to ask me lots of questions such as:

Tell us about a time when you had a difficult customer on the phone, who was demanding that their problem be prioritised and resolved immediately. How did you react? How did you deal with this situation?

Tell us about a time where you were stressed. How did you deal with your stress? How would you react if put into that situation again?

This shits me, completely, because I can barely remember what my office looked like in my old job (it's been over 6 months since I was working) let alone specific incidents.

Not only will they ask me these sorts of questions, I also have to do a psychometric test. I've done one before, and the results don't bother me too much, but I hate sitting tests. These psychometric ones are impossible to cheat on too, not that I would even if I could. I'm too bloody honest for my own good.

If I get past this one, there are two more interviews waiting for me. Anyone want to sponsor me $600 a week to surf Worth and hang out in #w1khyjinx?

I'll report back after the interview.

Grab A Book Game

2004-07-27T23:45:00.000+12:00

Grab A Book Game

Instructions:
1. Grab the nearest book.
2. Open the book to page 23.
3. Find the fifth sentence.
4. Post the text of the sentence in your journal along with these instructions.

"Independent labels range from fairly established players such as Epitaph, which often sells millions of copies of individual records from punk bands and free-spirited artists like Tom Waits, to some kid spending all his money to release his inspirations on the world from his basement."

Sonic Boom: Napster, MP3, and the New Pioneers of Music
(John Alderman)

boredom makes the hearth blow yonder

2004-07-27T22:43:00.000+12:00

What weird and wonderful images do I find when I Google Image Search certain Worth1000 usernames?

meowza is a goat
deadartist needs new glasses
courtney cox zucker.. well... erm. I think we can blame Fark for that one
arsidubu, AYB beauty pageant
cardinal cyn is NSFW
mister iq, handy to have around the office
galoot has some sexy pants
rob_church... no, I have no idea what's going on in this pic either
moonman, another one who is NSFW. I actually wonder if this pic is SF anything.
moges is so pretty and dainty!

I'm going to play this game again some time. It's a great way to pass a half hour or so.

Edit: I didn't do my own originally.. so here we go, searching for jayce -wheeled:

Uhm
Double NSFW style uhm
Amputee child style uhm

little miss (un)popular

2004-07-27T16:53:00.000+12:00

Well, not really. Little Miss Send Stuff, today. I managed to get 8 of my postcards written yesterday (have I mentioned yet how extremely difficult it is to write postcards to people you don't really know, even if they are from Worth) and got them sent off this afternoon. I'll be back to writing the rest of them at some stage today, soon probably. After dinner, perhaps.

I have a second interview for this job tomorrow, 2pm. I've already met the recruitment agent, he was nice enough. Its a whole different bag of weasels actually meeting with a potential employer. I'm not worried, exactly. It would be nice to have a job, money etc, but it's not like my life depends on it. I suppose I'm one of the lucky ones.

Wish me luck for that, anyway.

Time to make a list, I think. How about.. erm.. things which I like? Sound good? I think I can manage 10 things:

Things I Like and That Don't Make Me Sad and Feel Like Crying

1. Footrot Flats. I heart Rangi.
2. The people of Worth1000, especially the people in Hyjinx, though some of those people make me cry sometimes. But only when they're mean and throw stuff.
3. Puppies. They're kinda cool. Usually cute, if you disregard poodles and other toy dogs and stupid yappy mutts.
4. Sweet, hot cups of English Breakfast, especially first thing in the morning, with a nice fresh malt biscuit to dunk in it.
5. Smoking. Yeah, so I'm on the road to Cancerville, and I know it. But heck, I really like smoking. Nothing beats it, with the cup of tea in the morning, or after a steamy... well, you know.
6. Long road trips with frequent stops in strange small towns.
7. Festival camping. I love the communal atmosphere, waking up hungover to hell in a tent that feels like a sauna in the middle of summer. Trying to find your own tent in the dark and ending up gatecrashing someones private party. Etc.
8. Really cold, clear nights where you can sit and stare at the stars and moon for hours until you are so absorbed you forget what they are, or what you think they are, and just see them as pretty little lights sparkling overhead.
9. Spooning
10. Finding something that you thought you had lost. A photo pressed between the pages of a book. Or a little love note that you thought you had thrown out. Or money that you didn't realise you had.

OK, so there's 10. It's not as easy as it looks, try it sometime. That did a good job in cheering me up, I think I'm gonna sit here and smile for a while :)

Oh, a P.S.. as per my previous entry, it looks like either Bud knows me better than I thought, or he's stalking me.
(Less than 3) Bud

how well do you know me?

2004-07-26T23:35:00.000+12:00

Probably not well, I'm guessing. Have a go, see if you can do well in a Quiz About Me.

postcarding

2004-07-26T13:55:00.000+12:00

I have postcards :) I'm starting to write them now, and hopefully I'll get them sent out in the next few days. I'm gutted that I didn't check the back of the postcard book before I bought them, I thought they were NZ ones :(

I went out on Saturday, into town. Spent most of the day hanging out with Geoff, managed to get a bunch of new music from him (The Mars Volta, Fat Freddy's Drop, Confucius, The Verve) so I have heaps to listen to tonight. Caught up with Bridget (Fig) and headed to my brother's party, which was a bit disappointing. Never have I met a bunch of more immature people in their early 20's. We didn't stay long, Bridget had a french guy named Lionel trying to get into her pants, so we went to her place.

Met a few of her flatmates, interesting people. Stayed up, ate junk food. Tried to sleep, which was impossible thanks to being on a: a concrete floor and b: herbal party pills. Woke up, came home, slept for 17 hours.

I sure know how to have a good night.

forced to write

2004-07-22T22:22:00.000+12:00

I'm forcing myself to post. I don't particulary want to, and I don't really feel that I have anything terribly exciting to say to add to anything I've written before, but I'll try.

I spent most of today out of the house. This is good for me. And also, it gets my mother off my back and stops her bitching at me to 'get off that damned computer'. I need to get out into the real world so I don't forget that I'm a person, and that there is stuff out there besides this. I can't say that today was a particulary memorable journey out. I won't even bother to tell you what I did. Seriously, it wasn't that interesting.

On the "me me me" front, I've been feeling better today than I have for most of the week. I didn't wake up angry this morning. In fact, I was almost happy. Almost. This is a large improvement on the last wee while. But in saying that, I know without a shadow of a doubt that in a few days time, or even tomorrow, or even later tonight, I'll become sad again. All it takes is a memory and I remember why I'm here. I try to let myself get swallowed up in other things so I forget, but it doesn't always work.

What else? Hmm. Well, if you haven't already, have a read of The Little Prince by Antoine de Saint Exupéry. It's Angelfire and has pop-ups and other annoying crap, but it's worth it to read it. Even if only for this passage:

"All men have the stars, but they are not the same things for different people. For some, who are travelers, the stars are guides. For others they are no more than little lights in the sky. For others, who are scholars, they are problems. For my businessman they were wealth. But all these stars are silent. You, you alone, will have the stars as no one else has them"

"What are you trying to say?"

"In one of the stars I shall be living. In one of them I shall be laughing. And so it will be as if all the stars were laughing, when you look at the sky at night... you, only you, will have stars that can laugh!"

And he laughed again.

"And when your sorrow is comforted (time soothes all sorrows) you will be content that you have known me. You will always be my friend. You will want to laugh with me. And you will sometimes open your window, so, for that pleasure... and your friends will be properly astonished to see you laughing as you look up at the sky! Then you will say to them, 'Yes, the stars always make me laugh!' And they will think you are crazy. It will be a very shabby trick that I shall have played on you..."

possessions will be my friends.. shame they don't talk back

2004-07-21T14:04:00.000+12:00

I woke up sad and angry this morning. Not for any particular reason, I don't think. I don't even recall having one of those vivid dreams that carry on into my waking hours (like the one I had last week of Simon and a mutual friend getting it on in front of me, which had me seething for a day or five).

I just woke up, crying (this is fairly normal of late) and mad. The first thing I did when I got out of bed at the unreasonable hour of 11:30am was to hit something, which has resulted in a painful split in the tip of my little finger on my right hand. Lucky for me I don't use that digit, or I'd be screwed.

I was looking at my room this morning (mother dearest has made me shift bedrooms, slight inconvenience), and seeing all of my worldly goods piled into one corner was hard. It wasn't so long ago that I had everything I wanted, possession wise. I'm not a material person, but I miss all of that stuff. I miss having my own things. I miss my shiny espresso machine and my flash fridge. I miss having my own linen and towels. I miss having my own space too, a lot. I really thought about it, and I don't think I'll see any of my stuff again. It would mean negotiating to get it back, and having to face everything. I guess what I'm saying is that I haven't only lost a relationship, I've lost everything that was accumulated in it... stuff which we picked out and chose for our marital home. Not to mention all the wedding gifts the poor sods splashed out on thinking we'd be together for the rest of our lives.

Now I'm back to square one. I have a suitcase of clothes (most of which are seriously out of date), my laptop and a box of photo's which I can't bear to look at. Just another reason to get a job and start buying things to fill my life with. Possessions will be my friends. Who care's if they can't talk back and advise me whether I'm a winter or a summer complexion, or if that dress really does make my arse look big.

Can you tell I'm lonely?

things I must do, which I hate, before I die

2004-07-20T20:44:00.000+12:00

There are so many things I hate, avoid or am afraid to do.. so on Jim's urging I have compiled the following list

"10 Things I Hate/Dislike/Avoid and Have to Do Before I Die":

1. Write a list. Well, shit, that was easy, wasn't it?
2. Go on a rollercoaster. Yeah, so I've never been on one. They're deathtraps, I'm sure
3. Call my father. I've done well to avoid him for 4-ish years, but one day I'll bite the bullet and pick up the phone, even if he is on his deathbed, or if I'm on mine
4. Buy a miniskirt and wear it in public. This is a bigger deal than it seems.. I'm female, and by nature I fear showing my thighs. Some things you shouldn't subject the general public to
5. Get a license. I know, I know.. what person these days doesn't have one? One day, when I have a brain that works proper I'll swallow my pride and embarassment and learn to drive (the legal way, not the "I just stole this car and need to get the fuck outta here as fast as possible" way) before getting a license
6. Make a will. Well, this one is kinda obvious. It's one of those things I'll probably continue to avoid until I have terminal cancer, am blind in both eyes and have only one arm left which is unfortunately paralysed from multiple strokes
7. Volunteer somewhere. Give back to the community blah blah yadda bollocks
8. Abuse my power. Spend 24 hours being a complete bitch to everyone and anyone. And I don't mean 'mid month PMS get the hell outta my face before I rip yours off' bitchiness, I mean REAL bitchiness. And getting some real feelings and emotions out there. Maybe even call that boss who was a pervert and tell him what I really think of him
9. Have a child. Yeah, it's a big thing, and it might be a bit of a selfish reason, but the thought of carrying and giving birth to a child scares the bejeebus out of me. I fear pregnancy and childbirth, but one day, I'll take the plunge
10. Spend an entire weeks pay on something stupid, or go on a huge shopping spree. Screw all this scrimping and saving I've been forced into... I just want to splurge for once and buy crap I don't need and will never use

Well that was harder than I thought. I'll check them off one by one, and perhaps when I'm 55 and on my deathbed I can look back and say "hey, I did it". Then I can prompty kick the bucket. Oh, yay me.

Oh Smeg. Quotes on a Monday

2004-07-19T20:01:00.000+12:00

Thanks to MP for reminding me how much I love Red Dwarf! If you think you love Red Dwarf too, I challenge you to take the SmegTest.

------
"Well, Space Corps Directive 195 clearly states that in an emergency power situation, a holo-grammatic crew member must lay down his life in order that the living crew members might survive."
"Yes, but Rimmer... Directive 271 states just as clearly, "No chance you metal bastard." "
------
"Hey. The prospect of making love to a complete and total stranger is just as galling to me, y'know? We gotta be completely professional about this. Totally clinical and unemotional. So just lie back, relax and I'll go and slip into my Spiderman costume."
------
"What's that?" "Human remains. Wait, angle up five degrees, across ten degrees. There, some kind of writing on the floor, P-S-I-R-E-N-S, Psirens. "
"The poor devil must have scrawled it in his death rows, using a combination of his own blood, and even his own intestines. "
"Who would do that? "
"Someone who badly needed a pen. "
"What I don't understand, is why he went to the trouble of using his Kidney as a full stop. "
"I don't think he meant to do that, it probably just plopped out."
------
"What are you saying?" "I'm saying, the mouse never wins. Not unless you believe those lying cartoons. We don't run, we strike. It's the last thing they'll be expecting." "No, the last thing they'll be expecting is for us to turn into ice skating mongooses and to dance the Bolero. And your plan makes about as much sense."

Butter/Sparkle/Monday

2004-07-19T14:38:00.000+12:00

Just took this.. the cat's out on the deck enjoying the mid-winter sun. That's Butter in the foreground and Sparkle yawning in the background. Never trust a 6 year old to name cats.

Now I had to edit this.. I just remembered that today is my husbands 31st birthday. He's in Ireland and I'm in New Zealand, so I won't be giving him any special birthday treats today. I sent him a present last week which he should get eventually.. a CD I wouldn't even think of splurging on for myself, paid for with pocketmoney he has sent me. I partly hope he has a sad and miserable shit of a birthday. I'm such a bitch at times.

my pretty

2004-07-19T12:59:00.000+12:00

Went "out" yesterday afternoon, which is always a novel experience. I actually felt like leaving the house, a rare occurance, so I almost enjoyed myself. As per usual I ended up buying something I'll never wear, a bustier I've christened "my pretty". I intend to leave it in my drawer and perhaps pull it out occasionally to look at it and sigh. Why I do this I am not completely sure.

Bought some interesting books too.. including Sonic Boom, about Napster/Peer to Peer and the future of music in the electronic age.. and a novel called "The Book, The Film, The T-Shirt" about the advertising industry. It'll be good to snap out of reading all my mothers old 'romance' novels from the 70's, in which the heroine is a sappy heap of crap who wants to be rescued from her worthless existence by some strapping hunk o' spunk named "Chad" or "Brett". Anyway, it's about time I start at least pretending to be intellectual and culturally down with it.

If you haven't already, and you're over 17, check out the latest Step Up!® step here.

jayceIsmoking

2004-07-18T21:08:00.000+12:00

jaycesmoking, meowzas winning entry in his head to head against moonman.. theme:
"Competitors are to create an original black and white illustration showing Worth user jayce setting off a car alarm"

drawling

2004-07-18T19:45:00.000+12:00

moonman drawled me a while ago.. the big sweetie. It's about time I shared instead of keeping it to myself :)

meet me in the dark of the matinee

2004-07-18T13:27:00.000+12:00

It's Sunday, and we appear to be approaching another week. It's been quite some time since I've had a case of the Monday's (gratuitous Office Space reference) and I kinda miss it. My weekends don't mean jack anymore, since I sleep in practically every day anyway.

Someone broke the internet last night, bastards. So after dropping out of chat every 5 minutes, I eventually lost my net connection altogether and ended up having to go to bed (shock! horror!) earlyish last night. As a demonstration of quite how screwed up my sleep cycle is now, I found it nearly impossible to sleep before midnight. When I did eventually drop off to sleep I woke up not much later feeling physically sick, like something bad had happened. Took me a while to sleep again, but I didn't receive a phone call at 4am to tell me someone had died, so it must have been paranoia, or something of that sort.

Plans today? Well, I have internet again, obviously. But I've done what I needed to do this morning. Going to head out soon, I plan to buy myself something pretty, perhaps green as GoldKear suggested. We shall see.

How boring is my life? Incredibly.